I wish I could punch you in the face.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize