Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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