if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
