Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
