I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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