ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hippo gnu deer
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
