Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
