you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
