im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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