So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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