Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
