you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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