my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
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