we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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