my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
