dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
