o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
