the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
