I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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