my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
