Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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