Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
