This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize