If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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