This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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