Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
