Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
