I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
