we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.