Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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