i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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