it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
