So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
