He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
