I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
