I molested 6 butterflies tonight
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
