i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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