Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
