How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
