i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
