you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
