Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
