Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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