It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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