Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think I sprained my soul last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
