Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
