My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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