This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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