I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
