you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
