I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
