Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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