Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my being single is dangerous.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
