i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
