My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
