She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
