Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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